The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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