I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
