If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I FOUND THE LEGS
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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