I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
