and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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