My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
