woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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