I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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