it was like his penis was on wheels.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
