Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
high people should be assigned attendants
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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