I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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