my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
