were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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