god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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