i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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