so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
