What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I did not marry a roomba.
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