if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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