You're a womanizer and a bitch.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
