I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
