everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
