chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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