we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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