Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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