Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize