Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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