from now on my penis is your penis
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
