Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
