genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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