i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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