Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
