i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
