True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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