Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
