i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
