I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
