If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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