Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
