he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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