I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
