I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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