I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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