Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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