Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
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Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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