JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
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that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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