i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
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There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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