If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
