Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
