If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
