I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
