Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
