Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
