On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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