i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
and she was petting her beer can
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
