I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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