hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
